Exit the Toddler Power Struggle With Ease Confidence

ByMonica Healer

Hey Reader!

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with a two year old and you realize you’re not even sure how you got here? Afterall, she’s TWO! And you’re….well, older than two! Most of us have been there – in the middle of a power struggle with a toddler. So what now?

There are two really important things to remember before we jump to strategies…

  1. Adults must first recognize that it takes two people to be in a struggle, and since a toddler has an immature brain, the adult must be the one to initiate the exit from the power struggle.
  2. Exiting does not mean giving up; rather, it involves stepping out of the conflict while maintaining the established boundary.

Here are specific strategies to exit a power struggle effectively:

  • Offer choices within boundaries: Instead of a command, give the child a choice between two options that are both acceptable to you, such as choosing between two different shirts to wear.
  • Meet the underlying need within a boundary: If a child is doing something inappropriate to meet a developmental need, redirect them to a safe way to fulfill it. For example, if a child is playing in a dog’s water dish because they want water play, redirect them to a bathtub, the kitchen sink, or a bucket of water outside.
  • Use “When and Then” phrasing rather than “if and Then”: State the requirement followed by the reward, such as, “When you brush your teeth, then we will read books”.
  • Move forward immediately: One of the most important steps is to not stand there and wait for the child to make the first move. Standing and waiting often increases frustration for both the adult and the child. Instead, start moving toward the next task, such as going to the other room to pick out a book.
  • Use gentle physical guidance: If the child still refuses to move, repeat the “when/then” statement and physically guide them by taking their hand or picking them up to move them toward the next activity.
  • Remain unattached to the outcome: Toddlers can sense when an adult is overly attached to a specific result, which often triggers their developmental drive to exert their own will. By remaining calm and matter-of-fact, you reduce the intensity of the struggle.

The goal of these strategies is to create predictability and consistency. When an adult consistently holds the limit, the child eventually realizes the pattern is not going to change, which leads to less pushback over time.

These strategies came from an AMAZING podcast conversation with Toddler Expert Devon Kuntzman. She’s even written a whole book on “Transforming Toddlerhood”! Check out our conversation below or go to her website for more resources!

Cheering you on this week!

-Your ECCN team

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Listen to this podcast episode with host Monica Healer now on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

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